This year has been unexplainable for me. There has been so much stuff going on...
First off:
Last year, five days before my birthday, I stopped talking. I've never been able to explain why; it just happened. Well, this year I found something out that explained my WHOLE LIFE.
I'm electively mute.
This is an anxiety disorder, where I can only talk in some situations. For me, those "some situations" are through writing-- But I've found I can't talk to EVERYONE through writing. That's another thing.
So I said it's an anxiety disorder, right? Well, I'm anxious around adults. If they laugh at me or try to talk to me or touch me, I have no idea what to do. Or when people hug me or, pretty much just touch me I freak out (with a few exceptions, like people I've known for a while that are under 17 years old). I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.
Elective mutism is because I've never been socialized. (Nice one, parents...) So I've always been anxious in social situations, which caused parents to laugh at me which made me more anxious and stuff... It's NOT because I'm stupid, it's because I've never been socialized. It just happened. There's not much more explanation to that. I'd suggest looking up on google if you'd like more explanations.
It'd be nice if everyone stopped talking about me not talking; because that's what lead me into depression. Yes, I am depressed. May not look like it, but I'm pretty much broken. It just gets worse every time someone teases me about not talking- which happens a LOT.
...
On a happier note on this blog, I'M GETTING A PUPPY!!!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I wish
I wish
...
- That I could post my blog I've been writing since yesterday; I'd feel too judged if I did.
- That I could motivate myself to do schoolwork.
- That I had more faith in myself.
- That the world was a better place.
- That we could all be happy.
- That there were no wars.
- That everything was going better than it already is.
Now, how much of that can we change?
...
- That I could post my blog I've been writing since yesterday; I'd feel too judged if I did.
- That I could motivate myself to do schoolwork.
- That I had more faith in myself.
- That the world was a better place.
- That we could all be happy.
- That there were no wars.
- That everything was going better than it already is.
Now, how much of that can we change?
Friday, April 8, 2011
Average? I think not.
Not your average teenager.
Hey one, or two, or three, or fifty readers.
This blog entry is about complaints about differences, so yeah :] Don't expect a lecture about optimism in this blog entry. Mm.
Differences:
1.) I haven't talked for, what, 400ish days.
2.) I have horrible hearing.
3.) I have double joints everywhere.
4.) I'm about 5'8" and about 140 pounds.
5.) I'm a lefty.
6.) My brain is more on the right side than the left side.
7.) I'm homeschooled, always have been.
8.) I have 8 siblings. If I count my half siblings then I have 17 siblings.
9.) I'm depressed but at the same time I'm optimistic
10.) I got all A's on my last report card but feel I could do so much better.
11.) I'm such a nerd that I can use my calculator to tell all types of stuff.
12.) I was born on a Friday.
13.) I love bragging about my state having the highest literacy rate in the nation.
14.) I'm VERY unsocial.
15.) My last dog was born 26 days before my two before that died.
16.) The last 3 dogs I had, I only had them for 6 months. They died 6 months after puphood.
17.) I'm 13 and try acting between 15-19 because of my ex friend trying to change me into an adult before I was 13.
18.) I use a lot of online "faces" and realize when numbers (eg. "18.)") look like faces.
19.) I don't like people knowing I care about myself.
20.) Today I got at least 4 compliments on my shirt. New record for one day!
21.) All of my friends are online and I've only met 1/15th of them in person.
22.) I really really want orange converse shoes.
23.) I spend half of my day in my room.
24.) I haven't had a nightmare in a year.
25.) I have a very low self-esteem.
26.) I smile about 12 hours every day.
27.) I haven't had tears to cry since my 12th birthday. I didn't even cry when my best friend / dog died.
28.) I only cry over stupid stuff (like being yelled at) and the crying only lasts about 12 seconds before I'm out of tears.
29.) I'm autistic.
30.) I love lip syncing so much.
31.) Whenever I open my mouth I get a huge grin on my face for no reason.
32.) Whenever someone texts me, no matter who or what it says, I start laughing.
33.) I get really happy whenever I get a Facebook message, email, Facebook comment, blog comment, etc.
Hey one, or two, or three, or fifty readers.
This blog entry is about complaints about differences, so yeah :] Don't expect a lecture about optimism in this blog entry. Mm.
Differences:
1.) I haven't talked for, what, 400ish days.
2.) I have horrible hearing.
3.) I have double joints everywhere.
4.) I'm about 5'8" and about 140 pounds.
5.) I'm a lefty.
6.) My brain is more on the right side than the left side.
7.) I'm homeschooled, always have been.
8.) I have 8 siblings. If I count my half siblings then I have 17 siblings.
9.) I'm depressed but at the same time I'm optimistic
10.) I got all A's on my last report card but feel I could do so much better.
11.) I'm such a nerd that I can use my calculator to tell all types of stuff.
12.) I was born on a Friday.
13.) I love bragging about my state having the highest literacy rate in the nation.
14.) I'm VERY unsocial.
15.) My last dog was born 26 days before my two before that died.
16.) The last 3 dogs I had, I only had them for 6 months. They died 6 months after puphood.
17.) I'm 13 and try acting between 15-19 because of my ex friend trying to change me into an adult before I was 13.
18.) I use a lot of online "faces" and realize when numbers (eg. "18.)") look like faces.
19.) I don't like people knowing I care about myself.
20.) Today I got at least 4 compliments on my shirt. New record for one day!
21.) All of my friends are online and I've only met 1/15th of them in person.
22.) I really really want orange converse shoes.
23.) I spend half of my day in my room.
24.) I haven't had a nightmare in a year.
25.) I have a very low self-esteem.
26.) I smile about 12 hours every day.
27.) I haven't had tears to cry since my 12th birthday. I didn't even cry when my best friend / dog died.
28.) I only cry over stupid stuff (like being yelled at) and the crying only lasts about 12 seconds before I'm out of tears.
29.) I'm autistic.
30.) I love lip syncing so much.
31.) Whenever I open my mouth I get a huge grin on my face for no reason.
32.) Whenever someone texts me, no matter who or what it says, I start laughing.
33.) I get really happy whenever I get a Facebook message, email, Facebook comment, blog comment, etc.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Friends. There 'til the end?
Have you ever been scared and not known what to do?
Maybe. Maybe a parent died, maybe you had to take on a giant responsibility. Maybe something else.
Have people ever pressured you to do something you really wanted to do but didn't want to do? Were you in a giant argument with yourself, ever? Have you ever felt depressed for no reason? Do you feel unaccepted for your flaws? Have you ever been lonely?
Welcome to my life.
Welcome to all the pain and depression, the arguments and the negatives. Welcome to the darkness, the unknown, the unaccepted.
Sometimes all you need is a friend, though. Sometimes a hug, or a compliment, or help on your homework. Sometimes you just need to take a breath and keep calm.
I'll try to be that friend you need. I'll try to be the one who hugs you, helps you with your homework, and gives you personal therapy. I'll be your doctor when you need one, your advice giver, your pet, your listener. Just open up to me, and let me love you.
Sometimes the best therapy is a friend.
http://www.quotegarden.com/friendship.html
(P.S. This blog was going to be about not talking but who cares about that anymore?)
Maybe. Maybe a parent died, maybe you had to take on a giant responsibility. Maybe something else.
Have people ever pressured you to do something you really wanted to do but didn't want to do? Were you in a giant argument with yourself, ever? Have you ever felt depressed for no reason? Do you feel unaccepted for your flaws? Have you ever been lonely?
Welcome to my life.
Welcome to all the pain and depression, the arguments and the negatives. Welcome to the darkness, the unknown, the unaccepted.
Sometimes all you need is a friend, though. Sometimes a hug, or a compliment, or help on your homework. Sometimes you just need to take a breath and keep calm.
I'll try to be that friend you need. I'll try to be the one who hugs you, helps you with your homework, and gives you personal therapy. I'll be your doctor when you need one, your advice giver, your pet, your listener. Just open up to me, and let me love you.
Sometimes the best therapy is a friend.
http://www.quotegarden.com/friendship.html
(P.S. This blog was going to be about not talking but who cares about that anymore?)
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Love & letters
Blog for Sierra
My friend Sierra has been convinced that her mother hates her. I don't know how they act around each other, but I know Sierra and I've talked to her mother a few times. They don't seem too close, but they're mother and child! The strongest love is between mother and child. Even if it's hard to understand sometimes (I hardly ever believe it).
I can't say much about this because my Internet-- oh, it's working now.
Whoops, I got distracted looking at quotes.
Anyways, Sierra, she doesn't hate you. You may hate her, but hey, "If your child has never hated you then you haven't been a mother yet."
"A mother's love is instinctual, unconditional, and forever."
- unknown
"A mother loves her children even when they least deserve to be loved."
- Kate Samperi, "Mothers"
Those quotes didn't have much to do with your problems, but you get what I'm saying, right?
'Kay well now I'm changing the subject of this blog.
My friend Rachel wrote a "letter" to each of her close friends, and I think I'll do the same now. (Please don't be offended if your name isn't near the top, I was typing them out as I decided to say. Thank you (: ) (Also if I say "dear" instead of "dearest" or replace "with love" with "sincerely". Doesn't mean anything.)
Dearest Sierra V.
I understand you, a lot. You're my best friend. You've been here in my life for a long time, I can't remember a minute of my life when you weren't there. We're going through the same things in life, we always have been, but now we're splitting paths a tiny bit.
Recently you've been an amazing friend for laughing with, and for being a friend. Thank you.
With love, your BFFLOTWWWTMMLALFAAFAAHFAAEIITAFAY!
Dearest Rachel A.
Thank you for being my friend. You're amazing! Thank you for helping me when I felt depressed the other day, thank you for... For everything! I love you! I hope I can also be there for you when you need support and a friend.
With love, Kathryn.
Dearest Sabrina Y.
You're awesome. You seem happy almost all the time, and you're a bit hyper sometimes. I don't feel overly-hyper around you! I love how we can talk about almost everything & anything, and I especially love our few talks about piano! I love learning from you!
With love, me.
Dearest Maggie W,
You're a great friend! You're especially good at laughing with, and having deep conversations with. I just wish we talked a bit more!
With love, Kathryn.
Dearest Emily P,
You're amazing, I love talking to you. You're my role-play buddy, my friend I can laugh with, and my friend I try to help with problems! I love talking to you first every morning and last every night, even though there's a long gap through the day. You're awesome!
With love, me.
Dearest Bryn B,
I love you! You're probably my most unique and creative friend. I love visiting you even if I don't talk. I love when you read my blogs, like and comment my Facebook junk, and all that! You're almost always happy when we chat, and I love you for that. What I especially love about you is your hugs every time I visit you! You're probably the only person that I let hug me.
With love, Kathryn.
Dear Charlie D,
WHY THE HECK ARE YOU READING THIS YOU MIDGET TACO?!
Sincerely, apple.
Dear Megan H,
You're my older sister, I love you. I like how you're all awesome about everything. Some of my favorite memories from the past are with you. I love how you write down piano notes so I can understand them, and how you correct me now and then with piano. Cooking with you is also fun, and laughing with you! :)
With sisterly love, your sisterly sister that's your sister!
Dear Joy H,
I'm so glad you're living up to your name! I love our conversations about Fantasy, I love when you correct my artwork, I love that you're my sister. Can't wait for this summer, can you? :)
With sisterly love, your dog-lover sister.
Dear Josh H,
... Justin Bieber.
Sincerely, me.
Dear Melissa S,
I haven't really talked to you recently. I don't really know what to write here.
Sincerely, me.
Dear Kendra P,
I don't talk to you much. You're one of my best friends, still, though. I love/d role-playing with you, and I very much enjoy talking to you. I try to talk you out of depression, but your other friends always end up helping you. I hope I help you at least a little.
With love, Kathryn/Chris.
Dear Bethany H,
I don't talk to you much but you're still amazing!!! :D I love you, you're so funny.
Sincerely, me.
Dear Hannah A,
We met when we were like two! We've both changed so much from that, don't you agree? We've gone our separate ways, you've gotten more friends and you're probably not even reading this. I love you, you were my first ever best friend!
With love, me.
Dear Elisheba A,
Your letter is pretty much the same as Hannah's, 'cause I mean, you two are twins so there's not much difference in your awesomeness. I love how you seemed to care about me and talking when I last visited you!
Sincerely, me.
My friend Sierra has been convinced that her mother hates her. I don't know how they act around each other, but I know Sierra and I've talked to her mother a few times. They don't seem too close, but they're mother and child! The strongest love is between mother and child. Even if it's hard to understand sometimes (I hardly ever believe it).
I can't say much about this because my Internet-- oh, it's working now.
Whoops, I got distracted looking at quotes.
Anyways, Sierra, she doesn't hate you. You may hate her, but hey, "If your child has never hated you then you haven't been a mother yet."
"A mother's love is instinctual, unconditional, and forever."
- unknown
"A mother loves her children even when they least deserve to be loved."
- Kate Samperi, "Mothers"
Those quotes didn't have much to do with your problems, but you get what I'm saying, right?
'Kay well now I'm changing the subject of this blog.
My friend Rachel wrote a "letter" to each of her close friends, and I think I'll do the same now. (Please don't be offended if your name isn't near the top, I was typing them out as I decided to say. Thank you (: ) (Also if I say "dear" instead of "dearest" or replace "with love" with "sincerely". Doesn't mean anything.)
Dearest Sierra V.
I understand you, a lot. You're my best friend. You've been here in my life for a long time, I can't remember a minute of my life when you weren't there. We're going through the same things in life, we always have been, but now we're splitting paths a tiny bit.
Recently you've been an amazing friend for laughing with, and for being a friend. Thank you.
With love, your BFFLOTWWWTMMLALFAAFAAHFAAEIITAFAY!
Dearest Rachel A.
Thank you for being my friend. You're amazing! Thank you for helping me when I felt depressed the other day, thank you for... For everything! I love you! I hope I can also be there for you when you need support and a friend.
With love, Kathryn.
Dearest Sabrina Y.
You're awesome. You seem happy almost all the time, and you're a bit hyper sometimes. I don't feel overly-hyper around you! I love how we can talk about almost everything & anything, and I especially love our few talks about piano! I love learning from you!
With love, me.
Dearest Maggie W,
You're a great friend! You're especially good at laughing with, and having deep conversations with. I just wish we talked a bit more!
With love, Kathryn.
Dearest Emily P,
You're amazing, I love talking to you. You're my role-play buddy, my friend I can laugh with, and my friend I try to help with problems! I love talking to you first every morning and last every night, even though there's a long gap through the day. You're awesome!
With love, me.
Dearest Bryn B,
I love you! You're probably my most unique and creative friend. I love visiting you even if I don't talk. I love when you read my blogs, like and comment my Facebook junk, and all that! You're almost always happy when we chat, and I love you for that. What I especially love about you is your hugs every time I visit you! You're probably the only person that I let hug me.
With love, Kathryn.
Dear Charlie D,
WHY THE HECK ARE YOU READING THIS YOU MIDGET TACO?!
Sincerely, apple.
Dear Megan H,
You're my older sister, I love you. I like how you're all awesome about everything. Some of my favorite memories from the past are with you. I love how you write down piano notes so I can understand them, and how you correct me now and then with piano. Cooking with you is also fun, and laughing with you! :)
With sisterly love, your sisterly sister that's your sister!
Dear Joy H,
I'm so glad you're living up to your name! I love our conversations about Fantasy, I love when you correct my artwork, I love that you're my sister. Can't wait for this summer, can you? :)
With sisterly love, your dog-lover sister.
Dear Josh H,
... Justin Bieber.
Sincerely, me.
Dear Melissa S,
I haven't really talked to you recently. I don't really know what to write here.
Sincerely, me.
Dear Kendra P,
I don't talk to you much. You're one of my best friends, still, though. I love/d role-playing with you, and I very much enjoy talking to you. I try to talk you out of depression, but your other friends always end up helping you. I hope I help you at least a little.
With love, Kathryn/Chris.
Dear Bethany H,
I don't talk to you much but you're still amazing!!! :D I love you, you're so funny.
Sincerely, me.
Dear Hannah A,
We met when we were like two! We've both changed so much from that, don't you agree? We've gone our separate ways, you've gotten more friends and you're probably not even reading this. I love you, you were my first ever best friend!
With love, me.
Dear Elisheba A,
Your letter is pretty much the same as Hannah's, 'cause I mean, you two are twins so there's not much difference in your awesomeness. I love how you seemed to care about me and talking when I last visited you!
Sincerely, me.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Thank You's to people who will never see them.
Amazing people
So this morning I was doing my usual check-up on my DeviantART account, uploading a picture and checking my messages and such. I saw someone commented on my profile, the comment said "You are beautiful."
I hesitantly thanked her, then checked out her page. She had a journal entry telling everyone all about what she was doing: She was telling people they were beautiful, people she didn't know, because the majority of people in the world have low self esteem.
I want to be more like her. That is what this whole blog was about, partway. That girl inspired me, and now I think I'll get over my "what if they don't like it" and tell people they're beautiful.
Thank you, Anonymous124. You really made my day. :)
So this morning I was doing my usual check-up on my DeviantART account, uploading a picture and checking my messages and such. I saw someone commented on my profile, the comment said "You are beautiful."
I hesitantly thanked her, then checked out her page. She had a journal entry telling everyone all about what she was doing: She was telling people they were beautiful, people she didn't know, because the majority of people in the world have low self esteem.
I want to be more like her. That is what this whole blog was about, partway. That girl inspired me, and now I think I'll get over my "what if they don't like it" and tell people they're beautiful.
Thank you, Anonymous124. You really made my day. :)
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Together.
Together, forever.
I cannot wait for the following summer. Summer of '11. I will make it amazing. Just watch.
I'm getting a puppy this summer. She's ten days old today, March 21st 2011.
I fell in love with her on the 19th when I saw pictures. I can not wait.
Fantasy and I are going to be perfect together. We can make amazing memories for my photo album. We can share our silence, speaking to each other in different ways. We can share our optimism. We can share our love. We can share our life.
I can't wait to hold her, to start training her, to walk her every day. I can't wait for May 27th 2011.
This isn't official; I don't think my sister has asked my mother yet. My father agrees, though. I'd say there's a 90% chance of getting her. I can't wait!! I can't hold my excitement in. Oh, geez :)
I cannot wait for the following summer. Summer of '11. I will make it amazing. Just watch.
I'm getting a puppy this summer. She's ten days old today, March 21st 2011.
I fell in love with her on the 19th when I saw pictures. I can not wait.
Fantasy and I are going to be perfect together. We can make amazing memories for my photo album. We can share our silence, speaking to each other in different ways. We can share our optimism. We can share our love. We can share our life.
I can't wait to hold her, to start training her, to walk her every day. I can't wait for May 27th 2011.
This isn't official; I don't think my sister has asked my mother yet. My father agrees, though. I'd say there's a 90% chance of getting her. I can't wait!! I can't hold my excitement in. Oh, geez :)
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